I’m just posting this here because I don’t ever want to lose access to it…

A Day in the Life of Doug Mirabelli
9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed
9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands – farts 5 more times
9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge
9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon poo-poo platter for 3 he picked up last night
9:15 grunts at his wife and gives hid kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone
9:17 takes a dump
9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower
9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee
9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror – screams out loud “Dougie is going deep tonight”
9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tanktop and gets ready to leave
9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he’ll see them tomorrow
9:57 pulls onto Rt 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring- cuts three people off- gives the finger to all three people
10:15 pulls into Fenway park – tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in
10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family’s life if there is one scratch on his truck
10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the the first time time today and 350th time this month – asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni
10:27 takes a shit – leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by
10:30 gives Nomar a deadleg and calls him a homo
10:33 stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him
10:37 goes through a 10-minute handshake with his boy Tim Wakefield
10:45 takes Pokey’s headphones off and steps on them- says until he is hitting .250, no music
10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says “Is Dougie DHing the first game?”
10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
10:55 tells Trot that if Dougie played 162 games, his numbers would look like this: .375 72 Hr’s 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K’S
11:17 writes back response to to fan’s letter: “Hey Pussy, I don’t wear batting gloves because they are for pussies, like your boyfriend Nomar “
11:30 walks out to batting pratice with a tanktop on
11:45 after no stretching, steps into the cage- ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure
11:47 takes 25 cuts – hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8
11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie – calls him a pickle smoker
12:00 Dougie’s daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci’s arrives
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar’s locker
12:15 Tito posts lineup – Dougie sees he is not the DH – calls Francona a pussy. Francona runs behind Schilling
12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror- announcing “Dougie is going deep tonight”
12:45 takes a shit – uses Nomar’s $350 silk shirt to wipe his ass
1:05 game starts – Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling
1:25 Dougie annouces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in – Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Trenton by 7 tonight
1:55 Dougie’s 4 Fenway Franks arrive – pays with Nomar’s credit card
2:15 finishes shopping with Nomars credit card- maxed it out at Auto Zone
2:30 dozes off
3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells the whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield
3:33 annouces himself ready to pinch hit
4:30 Sox lose game – Dougie tells Francona he should have DH’ed him – Francona runs away
5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for pussies
5:30 Dougie takes BP again- refuses to bunt
5:33 Dougie hits 22 pitches over the wall: 11 fair – 11 foul – all pulled – he misses 15 pitches
6:00 Dougie sees name in lineup – calls Francona a pussy for batting him 9th – Francona hides behind Schilling
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup
6:25 announces that “Dougie is going deep tonight”
6:30 dinner arrives – 2 steaks from the Capital Grille – Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar’s locker – makes Derek Lowe eat the fat
6:35 Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic weedgie
7:00 tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don’t throw anything in the dirt
7:10 scoreless first – Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching
7:25 while waiting in on-deck circle, tells fans “Dougie is going deep tonight”
7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher- tells him he is a pussy and he is taking him deep
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall – coasts into second – almost gets thrown out
7:31 tells pitcher his fastball sucks – tells shortstop and second baseman that he “didn’t get all of it”
8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third – third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie
8:16 fans boo Dougie
8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to fuck off and steals some kid’s hot dog
8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he it into a doubleplay – he did not want to run the bases anymore
9:10 Dougie strikes out on an inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs- calls pitcher, catcher and ump pussies
9:30 9th inning – Dougie is exhausted – walks out to the mound and calls Embree a pussy and tells him to just bring the heat – Dougie wants to get home
9:50 Dougie showers – and walks around the clubhouse naked – tells the Globe’s Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to blow him
9:55 Dougie shaves – and leaves a goatee
10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike – calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse
10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans – gives the finger to everyone near
10:25 arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1
10:45 sits down at bar and digs into his poo-poo platter for 3
12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn – goes for a dip in his above-ground pool
12:10 leaves dirty undies on his neighbor’s windshield
12:15 walks into house naked and screams “who saw the bomb I hit tonite???”
12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood
12:45 takes 35 swings naked and orders porn
12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie
1:15 Dougie passes out on couch

If You “Tebow” in Front of Me, I’m Still Going to Kick You in the Head

Tonight’s Jets-Broncos finish was intense. First off, I still don’t care for Tebow, I still think he will be out of the league in a few years, but that was pretty impressive. Also, I want to thank the Broncos, Tim Tebow, and ostensibly God(?) for ending the Jets’ season.

But the thing that got me was the Jets defense on the touchdown run that effectively ended the game.

Please, Tebowmaniacs, leave me alone, I’m not saying Jesus’ younger brother wouldn’t have found another way into the endzone. He would have, ok? He’s never going to lose another game. But seriously, let me split hairs for a minute over how it happened.

Rex Ryan said in his postgame presser, “We knew he was going to run, he likes to run in that situation.” Really now? Then why did you flush him? It seems to me, if he’s going to run, you should back up and keep it in front of you. You’re up by a fieldgoal. Even if he moves the chains, you don’t lose by giving him 3-8 yards up the middle.

I think the formula (not the execution) for beating the Broncos is simple. Dare Tebow to throw. What Rex Ryan did, on the last play the Bronco offense ran, was dare Tebow to roll out. Did that play call make sense to anyone?

So Glad Not to be a Bucs Fan

Josh Freeman is signed through 2013. He makes me scratch my head a little, because he runs more than I’d like, but he can definitely play the position. But no matter how confused I am by his style of play, there’s no doubt he’s in the top half of starting qb’s in the league.

Freeman has to be viewed as the franchise qb in Tampa, right? They don’t anticipate some kind of major change or a drop off in his play, do they? I can’t see it. He might not be the first guy I’d pick, but if Josh Freeman’s on my roster and I’ve had a decade of signal calling incompetence, he’s the guy I go to war with.

I rant about all that to say this; is capology a complete mystery to the Bucs? Or is the treasure chest on the pirate ship just filled with unlimited cap dollars?

As of mid July, the Bucs were looking at spending $46 million or thereabouts to get to the salary floor. Instead of taking young Josh aside and telling him that he can get extended right now and front loading the thing, they did what?

They signed a punter to a 6 year, $19.5 million deal. Yes, that’s 19.5 million/6 years. As in an average annual value of $3.5 million.

Probably a good call. Pinning teams in the corner will definitely be more important than keeping Freeman or giving him some targets…

Drew Bledsoe Now Making Wine, Patriots Fans Everywhere Shocked

During his 13 year NFL career, Bledsoe threw 251 TD passes, over 40,000 yards, and scrambled as much as this figurine.

The 1993 NFL draft’s top overall pick who infamously lost his quarterback job to Tom Brady is now playing a new waiting game as the owner of his own wine label and vineyard. Bledsoe hasn’t been deterred by an industry that can be glacially slow, instead viewing it as a challenge. Via Yardbarker.

I’m not a wine person. Both times that I’ve had wine, I’ve enjoyed it enough, but that’s about how much I know about it. But even I, the not-so-big-wino-who-drank-it-twice, have one thing figured out.

Wine’s supposed to sit around for a really long time, right?

Like, seriously, you open a bottle of wine and it’s supposed to sit for like an hour or something? The guy that pours it is supposed to have a very steady hand, I know that, that’s not like some made-up, TV wino thing right? He’s supposed to have a steady hand.

So able to sit still for an hour and good hands required, but stepping up in the pocket or evading the rush less than mandatory? Right?
Why wouldn’t this guy be good at wine? This is what he did for 13 seasons in the NFL. Stand still.

How to Fix the NBA

I’m not an NBA fan. I would classify myself as a sportsaholic, so I pay attention to what goes on in the NBA to some degree. I am a huge basketball fan, just not into the NBA. (Also, and this really doesn’t matter to this blog, I would consider myself a Celtics “well wisher,” fan would imply that there’s some small thing missing in my life when they lose, or suck, or don’t play because of a lockout. That’s not really the case.

But I love basketball. It was actually the first game I really learned, and learned to love. I still watch college basketball with wide eyes, and can’t wait for the conference championships to start each year.

I really would like to see this lockout work. I love that the NBA is locked out for selfish reasons, like hockey ratings doubling or tripling because sports junkies will always watch sports. But I also love it because it really could fix this league. I’ve prescribed five steps that I think could fix the game at the NBA level.

First is the three year delay. The NFL has benefitted from causing all draft prospects to wait until three years after their high school graduation to register for the draft. The result is long college careers, which gives you more mature people in the league in a lot of cases (I realize there are still a bunch of morons in the NFL, but there are probably just as many morons playing in the NBA, where the total number of players is less than 1/3 of the NFL).

But it also results in a more balanced style of play and players that are ready to play team basketball. Look at the guys that play 3-4 years of college versus the guys who came out of high school. Prior to a few years ago, you got a better player if he had played a few years in college, until teams started cherry picking raw talent from the freshmen class.

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Zdeno Chara Should Pay Phil Pritchard a Retainer Fee and Hire Him as His Attorney

 Zdeno Chara hoisted the Stanley Cup as captain of the Boston Bruins two weeks ago. Now the big defenceman will have something else on his hands: a meeting with Montreal cops Via TSN

And so the Boston Bruins’ postseason goes from the sublime to the ridiculous. Yes, the gendarmes actually want to see Chara about the hit he laid on Max Pacioretty OVER THREE MONTHS AGO. I can’t believe this actually is going to happen, and having listened to an interview with the man in charge of the investigation, I get the sense that we should cut the MPD itself some slack. This is coming from over their heads.

That said, is there more than one way to approach this little interview if you’re Chara?

I think not. Quite simply, you have to grab your good buddy Phil Pritchard, that big shiny cup he takes care of, and hop on a plane. Seriously, can the team please arrange for Chara to get an extra day with the cup? Namely the day of his meeting with the cops? I want nothing more than for him to stop at the nearest café before he walks into the station, get a heaping pile of poutine, put it in the cup, and insist on eating it while he discusses a mundane play in a 4-0 game in March with Montreal 5-0.

Then, maybe he could pop open a bottle of fine French wine, fill the basin with it (bits of gravy still stuck to the bowl) and proceed to sip it while he asks them if they saw any of the finals.

Of course, there is no case here, so no matter how mad they get, they’ll have to let him go. When they eventually do, there is really only one acceptable way for Chara to leave the police station, and I think we all know what it is….

Who Do I Want? NHL Offseason

If this dude doesn’t do it for you from what you’ve seen in the NHL, here he is ruining Roberto LeBrongo. Who can’t get behind that?

There are probably Bruins who are only just now going to sleep for the first time since winning Lord Stanley’s hardware. This hasn’t stopped me from crunching numbers and looking for the piece that makes the next cup possible.

No telling which way B’s management is looking, but I figure the departures of Kaberle, Ryder and Recchi are fairly certain. I see Caron and Kampfer as the immediate replacements, and if you slot them in, the team would have just over $5 million in cap room.

That leaves an interesting amount of wiggle room for the Bruins front office. They would absolutely have to move some money to make a play at the top UFA’s, such as Brad Richards.

But the $5 million or so that the team will have to work with come July is enough to make lesser moves without losing anyone currently carrying the cup around the North End and getting smashed.

One wonders if the team will be willing to try to snipe RFA’s at the peril of its draft picks. The Bruins don’t have a history of making a play for significant RFA’s, but perhaps the relief of having a championship eases their worries about making such mistakes.

Does Zach Parise become a serious possibility? The Devils have 6 RFA’s and 3 UFA’s, Parise being one of the former. If Parise left Jersey for a million dollar raise this year via restricted free agency, it would cost his new team a first and a third round pick.

Not sure if Jersey could mismanage itself badly enough to lose Parise, or if Boston would part with the picks, but a guy can dream…

And outside of that, I’m not sure who I want this offseason. Meditate on this, I will.