I’m just posting this here because I don’t ever want to lose access to it…

A Day in the Life of Doug Mirabelli
9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed
9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands – farts 5 more times
9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge
9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon poo-poo platter for 3 he picked up last night
9:15 grunts at his wife and gives hid kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone
9:17 takes a dump
9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower
9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee
9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror – screams out loud “Dougie is going deep tonight”
9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tanktop and gets ready to leave
9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he’ll see them tomorrow
9:57 pulls onto Rt 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring- cuts three people off- gives the finger to all three people
10:15 pulls into Fenway park – tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in
10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family’s life if there is one scratch on his truck
10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the the first time time today and 350th time this month – asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni
10:27 takes a shit – leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by
10:30 gives Nomar a deadleg and calls him a homo
10:33 stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him
10:37 goes through a 10-minute handshake with his boy Tim Wakefield
10:45 takes Pokey’s headphones off and steps on them- says until he is hitting .250, no music
10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says “Is Dougie DHing the first game?”
10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
10:55 tells Trot that if Dougie played 162 games, his numbers would look like this: .375 72 Hr’s 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K’S
11:17 writes back response to to fan’s letter: “Hey Pussy, I don’t wear batting gloves because they are for pussies, like your boyfriend Nomar “
11:30 walks out to batting pratice with a tanktop on
11:45 after no stretching, steps into the cage- ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure
11:47 takes 25 cuts – hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8
11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie – calls him a pickle smoker
12:00 Dougie’s daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci’s arrives
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar’s locker
12:15 Tito posts lineup – Dougie sees he is not the DH – calls Francona a pussy. Francona runs behind Schilling
12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror- announcing “Dougie is going deep tonight”
12:45 takes a shit – uses Nomar’s $350 silk shirt to wipe his ass
1:05 game starts – Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling
1:25 Dougie annouces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in – Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Trenton by 7 tonight
1:55 Dougie’s 4 Fenway Franks arrive – pays with Nomar’s credit card
2:15 finishes shopping with Nomars credit card- maxed it out at Auto Zone
2:30 dozes off
3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells the whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield
3:33 annouces himself ready to pinch hit
4:30 Sox lose game – Dougie tells Francona he should have DH’ed him – Francona runs away
5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for pussies
5:30 Dougie takes BP again- refuses to bunt
5:33 Dougie hits 22 pitches over the wall: 11 fair – 11 foul – all pulled – he misses 15 pitches
6:00 Dougie sees name in lineup – calls Francona a pussy for batting him 9th – Francona hides behind Schilling
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup
6:25 announces that “Dougie is going deep tonight”
6:30 dinner arrives – 2 steaks from the Capital Grille – Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar’s locker – makes Derek Lowe eat the fat
6:35 Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic weedgie
7:00 tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don’t throw anything in the dirt
7:10 scoreless first – Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching
7:25 while waiting in on-deck circle, tells fans “Dougie is going deep tonight”
7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher- tells him he is a pussy and he is taking him deep
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall – coasts into second – almost gets thrown out
7:31 tells pitcher his fastball sucks – tells shortstop and second baseman that he “didn’t get all of it”
8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third – third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie
8:16 fans boo Dougie
8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to fuck off and steals some kid’s hot dog
8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he it into a doubleplay – he did not want to run the bases anymore
9:10 Dougie strikes out on an inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs- calls pitcher, catcher and ump pussies
9:30 9th inning – Dougie is exhausted – walks out to the mound and calls Embree a pussy and tells him to just bring the heat – Dougie wants to get home
9:50 Dougie showers – and walks around the clubhouse naked – tells the Globe’s Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to blow him
9:55 Dougie shaves – and leaves a goatee
10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike – calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse
10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans – gives the finger to everyone near
10:25 arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1
10:45 sits down at bar and digs into his poo-poo platter for 3
12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn – goes for a dip in his above-ground pool
12:10 leaves dirty undies on his neighbor’s windshield
12:15 walks into house naked and screams “who saw the bomb I hit tonite???”
12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood
12:45 takes 35 swings naked and orders porn
12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie
1:15 Dougie passes out on couch

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