CYA: Fairfax County Still Hasn’t Found the Serial Butt Slasher

NBC Washington One man may be responsible for slashing at least five women on the butt, according to Fairfax County police. In the most recent attack, an 18-year-old woman was shopping at Forever 21 inside the Fair Oaks Mall at 5:30 p.m. Monday when she was distracted by clothing falling over. She told police that she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her butt and thought she might have been struck by a clothes hanger before she realized she’d been cut through her denim shorts with a box cutter or razor.

This dude has been rolling through Virginia since February slashing women’s butts? What a sick world. Although I think I’ve figured out how to catch this guy.

Can the Fairfax County Sheriff’s office afford a Seth MacFarlane appearance fee? I feel as though this guy would have no heart and no sense of humor if he heard Peter Griffin’s voice yelling “Butt Slasher?! Butt Slasher?!” on a street corner and didn’t give himself up.

Short of that, I would suggest ladies wear metallic under garments, or possibly this little number.

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If You “Tebow” in Front of Me, I’m Still Going to Kick You in the Head

Tonight’s Jets-Broncos finish was intense. First off, I still don’t care for Tebow, I still think he will be out of the league in a few years, but that was pretty impressive. Also, I want to thank the Broncos, Tim Tebow, and ostensibly God(?) for ending the Jets’ season.

But the thing that got me was the Jets defense on the touchdown run that effectively ended the game.

Please, Tebowmaniacs, leave me alone, I’m not saying Jesus’ younger brother wouldn’t have found another way into the endzone. He would have, ok? He’s never going to lose another game. But seriously, let me split hairs for a minute over how it happened.

Rex Ryan said in his postgame presser, “We knew he was going to run, he likes to run in that situation.” Really now? Then why did you flush him? It seems to me, if he’s going to run, you should back up and keep it in front of you. You’re up by a fieldgoal. Even if he moves the chains, you don’t lose by giving him 3-8 yards up the middle.

I think the formula (not the execution) for beating the Broncos is simple. Dare Tebow to throw. What Rex Ryan did, on the last play the Bronco offense ran, was dare Tebow to roll out. Did that play call make sense to anyone?