I’m just posting this here because I don’t ever want to lose access to it…

A Day in the Life of Doug Mirabelli
9:00 Shakes off the cobwebs and gets out of bed
9:01 lets out blistering fart and takes 90 second piss on his hands – farts 5 more times
9:03 drinks 3 raw eggs Rocky Balboa style and opens the fridge
9:05 take out leftovers from the Kowloon poo-poo platter for 3 he picked up last night
9:15 grunts at his wife and gives hid kids 20 bucks each to leave him alone
9:17 takes a dump
9:22 sings Van Halen in the shower
9:25 shaves and leaves his goatee
9:30 takes 35 vicious cuts with his bat naked in front of the mirror – screams out loud “Dougie is going deep tonight”
9:45 puts on his cowboy boots and tight jeans and tanktop and gets ready to leave
9:50 grunts at his wife and kids and tells them he’ll see them tomorrow
9:57 pulls onto Rt 1 with Led Zeppelin blaring- cuts three people off- gives the finger to all three people
10:15 pulls into Fenway park – tells clubhouse parking attendant to make sure he blocks Nomar in
10:16 puts the kid in a headlock and threatens the kid and his family’s life if there is one scratch on his truck
10:22 walks into clubhouse and calls Nomar a homo for the the first time time today and 350th time this month – asks Nomar if he misses his boyfriend Lou Merloni
10:27 takes a shit – leaves door open and yells at anyone who walks by
10:30 gives Nomar a deadleg and calls him a homo
10:33 stuffs Derek Lowe in a locker and pisses on him
10:37 goes through a 10-minute handshake with his boy Tim Wakefield
10:45 takes Pokey’s headphones off and steps on them- says until he is hitting .250, no music
10:50 Francona walks by and Dougie cuts him off and says “Is Dougie DHing the first game?”
10:51 Francona runs and hides behind Schilling
10:55 tells Trot that if Dougie played 162 games, his numbers would look like this: .375 72 Hr’s 52 Doubles 9 Singles 6 Walks 220 K’S
11:17 writes back response to to fan’s letter: “Hey Pussy, I don’t wear batting gloves because they are for pussies, like your boyfriend Nomar “
11:30 walks out to batting pratice with a tanktop on
11:45 after no stretching, steps into the cage- ignores the 5 bunts standard procedure
11:47 takes 25 cuts – hits 17 over the monster and misses the other 8
11:48 calls the batting practice pitcher a homo and tells him to go bang Nomar for mixing in a curveball after Dougie hit one onto the pike
11:55 Tackles Nomar and gives him wedgie – calls him a pickle smoker
12:00 Dougie’s daily order of Double Chicken Parm from Joe Tecci’s arrives
12:07 Dougie finishes Chicken Parm and pours the rest of his sauce into Nomar’s locker
12:15 Tito posts lineup – Dougie sees he is not the DH – calls Francona a pussy. Francona runs behind Schilling
12:25 Dougie gets naked and takes 25 swings in front of the clubhouse mirror- announcing “Dougie is going deep tonight”
12:45 takes a shit – uses Nomar’s $350 silk shirt to wipe his ass
1:05 game starts – Dougie tells Francona he is not going to the bullpen to warm up pitchers. Francona hides behind Schilling
1:25 Dougie annouces he is ready to pinch hit in the bottom of the first for Nomar
1:45 Abe Alvarez comes in – Dougie tells him he sucks and will back at Trenton by 7 tonight
1:55 Dougie’s 4 Fenway Franks arrive – pays with Nomar’s credit card
2:15 finishes shopping with Nomars credit card- maxed it out at Auto Zone
2:30 dozes off
3:30 sees they are losing and goes back to the dugout and tells the whole team they suck except for him and Wakefield
3:33 annouces himself ready to pinch hit
4:30 Sox lose game – Dougie tells Francona he should have DH’ed him – Francona runs away
5:00 Dougie tells Nomar singles are for pussies
5:30 Dougie takes BP again- refuses to bunt
5:33 Dougie hits 22 pitches over the wall: 11 fair – 11 foul – all pulled – he misses 15 pitches
6:00 Dougie sees name in lineup – calls Francona a pussy for batting him 9th – Francona hides behind Schilling
6:05 Dougie demands to bat cleanup
6:25 announces that “Dougie is going deep tonight”
6:30 dinner arrives – 2 steaks from the Capital Grille – Dougie pours steak juice into Nomar’s locker – makes Derek Lowe eat the fat
6:35 Dougie gives D Lowe an atomic weedgie
7:00 tells Wakefield to show some balls tonight and don’t throw anything in the dirt
7:10 scoreless first – Dougie tells Francona it must be the catching
7:25 while waiting in on-deck circle, tells fans “Dougie is going deep tonight”
7:27 Dougie screams at pitcher- tells him he is a pussy and he is taking him deep
7:30 Dougie hits bomb off the wall – coasts into second – almost gets thrown out
7:31 tells pitcher his fastball sucks – tells shortstop and second baseman that he “didn’t get all of it”
8:15 Dougie ropes a rocket to third – third baseman takes all day and still turns a double play on Dougie
8:16 fans boo Dougie
8:17 Dougie tells family of 4 to fuck off and steals some kid’s hot dog
8:18 Dougie is tired and is happy he it into a doubleplay – he did not want to run the bases anymore
9:10 Dougie strikes out on an inside pitch after crushing 4 foul home runs- calls pitcher, catcher and ump pussies
9:30 9th inning – Dougie is exhausted – walks out to the mound and calls Embree a pussy and tells him to just bring the heat – Dougie wants to get home
9:50 Dougie showers – and walks around the clubhouse naked – tells the Globe’s Dan Shaugnessy and Gordon Edes to blow him
9:55 Dougie shaves – and leaves a goatee
10:00 Knocks Nomar off his exercise bike – calls him a homo singles hitter and leaves clubhouse
10:10 cuts off 4 redsox fans – gives the finger to everyone near
10:25 arrives at Kowloon Chinese Restaurant on Rt 1
10:45 sits down at bar and digs into his poo-poo platter for 3
12:00 stumbles home and parks truck on the front lawn – goes for a dip in his above-ground pool
12:10 leaves dirty undies on his neighbor’s windshield
12:15 walks into house naked and screams “who saw the bomb I hit tonite???”
12:30 wakes up whole neighborhood
12:45 takes 35 swings naked and orders porn
12:55 pulls out bucket of KFC and gets ready for movie
1:15 Dougie passes out on couch

CYA: Fairfax County Still Hasn’t Found the Serial Butt Slasher

NBC Washington One man may be responsible for slashing at least five women on the butt, according to Fairfax County police. In the most recent attack, an 18-year-old woman was shopping at Forever 21 inside the Fair Oaks Mall at 5:30 p.m. Monday when she was distracted by clothing falling over. She told police that she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her butt and thought she might have been struck by a clothes hanger before she realized she’d been cut through her denim shorts with a box cutter or razor.

This dude has been rolling through Virginia since February slashing women’s butts? What a sick world. Although I think I’ve figured out how to catch this guy.

Can the Fairfax County Sheriff’s office afford a Seth MacFarlane appearance fee? I feel as though this guy would have no heart and no sense of humor if he heard Peter Griffin’s voice yelling “Butt Slasher?! Butt Slasher?!” on a street corner and didn’t give himself up.

Short of that, I would suggest ladies wear metallic under garments, or possibly this little number.

If You “Tebow” in Front of Me, I’m Still Going to Kick You in the Head

Tonight’s Jets-Broncos finish was intense. First off, I still don’t care for Tebow, I still think he will be out of the league in a few years, but that was pretty impressive. Also, I want to thank the Broncos, Tim Tebow, and ostensibly God(?) for ending the Jets’ season.

But the thing that got me was the Jets defense on the touchdown run that effectively ended the game.

Please, Tebowmaniacs, leave me alone, I’m not saying Jesus’ younger brother wouldn’t have found another way into the endzone. He would have, ok? He’s never going to lose another game. But seriously, let me split hairs for a minute over how it happened.

Rex Ryan said in his postgame presser, “We knew he was going to run, he likes to run in that situation.” Really now? Then why did you flush him? It seems to me, if he’s going to run, you should back up and keep it in front of you. You’re up by a fieldgoal. Even if he moves the chains, you don’t lose by giving him 3-8 yards up the middle.

I think the formula (not the execution) for beating the Broncos is simple. Dare Tebow to throw. What Rex Ryan did, on the last play the Bronco offense ran, was dare Tebow to roll out. Did that play call make sense to anyone?

Is This Bro Entirely Serious Right Now?


So this guy is on Jeopardy right now, and I really don’t know what to think of him. My first thought was, remember those lame parties in college, stop light or whatever they were called? Wear red if you’re taken, green if you’re trying to hook up and yellow if you’re somewhere in the middle?
I was like, is this guy heading to one of those and just hell bent on fucking with everyone there? Or maybe he’s colorblind, I don’t know, but the stop light party was the first thing I thought of…

So Glad Not to be a Bucs Fan

Josh Freeman is signed through 2013. He makes me scratch my head a little, because he runs more than I’d like, but he can definitely play the position. But no matter how confused I am by his style of play, there’s no doubt he’s in the top half of starting qb’s in the league.

Freeman has to be viewed as the franchise qb in Tampa, right? They don’t anticipate some kind of major change or a drop off in his play, do they? I can’t see it. He might not be the first guy I’d pick, but if Josh Freeman’s on my roster and I’ve had a decade of signal calling incompetence, he’s the guy I go to war with.

I rant about all that to say this; is capology a complete mystery to the Bucs? Or is the treasure chest on the pirate ship just filled with unlimited cap dollars?

As of mid July, the Bucs were looking at spending $46 million or thereabouts to get to the salary floor. Instead of taking young Josh aside and telling him that he can get extended right now and front loading the thing, they did what?

They signed a punter to a 6 year, $19.5 million deal. Yes, that’s 19.5 million/6 years. As in an average annual value of $3.5 million.

Probably a good call. Pinning teams in the corner will definitely be more important than keeping Freeman or giving him some targets…

Are You There, NFLPA? It’s me, Jim (Again)

Sometimes you take a guy to the wall and it works. Other times, he goes to football hell.

I wrote a letter to the NFLPA this spring, telling them that there was one thing they had to do during the lockout. It was pretty simple, I’d like to see football in September, but my biggest thing was, please get rid of the franchise tag.
Actually, it wasn’t quite that simple.
My take was, and is, I don’t like the position it puts me in as a fan and an observer when a guy gets franchised and wants to be a free agent, so he decides to sit out.
It’s really been the only effective recourse for players against the franchise tag, and while I understood why players did it, I was still bothered by this; they signed a contract, they voted for the CBA and they didn’t hold to it.
Well this spring they went to the mat. They held football hostage (so did the owners, but both parties equally did not compromise in March). So they had their negotiating sessions, at the cost of free agency, and mini camps, and OTA’s. They had a chance to get rid of it and they didn’t.
So when Adrian Peterson, or Patrick Willis, or whoever sits out because he doesn’t like the tag, I have a new take on it.
Screw ’em.
You guys voted. If you don’t like your new government, tough cookies. You screwed yourselves this time around boys. You have a brilliant new leader (hashtag d smith is a bad man), all the marquis names signed on to an antitrust suit (Brees, Brady, Manning), and everything that comes with it.
You had the owners’ collective balls in a vice, and you didn’t use it to get rid of that god awful slap in the face to the free market. Next time it bites one of you in the ass, I’m pro-team all the way.

Lay’s Straight Killing it in Canada


Don’t really know what to say about this…
They have Lay’s poutine fries in a bag? So I can get this in Canada, but not in Central Falls or Woonsocket?
Globalization my ass.