CYA: Fairfax County Still Hasn’t Found the Serial Butt Slasher

NBC Washington One man may be responsible for slashing at least five women on the butt, according to Fairfax County police. In the most recent attack, an 18-year-old woman was shopping at Forever 21 inside the Fair Oaks Mall at 5:30 p.m. Monday when she was distracted by clothing falling over. She told police that she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her butt and thought she might have been struck by a clothes hanger before she realized she’d been cut through her denim shorts with a box cutter or razor.

This dude has been rolling through Virginia since February slashing women’s butts? What a sick world. Although I think I’ve figured out how to catch this guy.

Can the Fairfax County Sheriff’s office afford a Seth MacFarlane appearance fee? I feel as though this guy would have no heart and no sense of humor if he heard Peter Griffin’s voice yelling “Butt Slasher?! Butt Slasher?!” on a street corner and didn’t give himself up.

Short of that, I would suggest ladies wear metallic under garments, or possibly this little number.

If You “Tebow” in Front of Me, I’m Still Going to Kick You in the Head

Tonight’s Jets-Broncos finish was intense. First off, I still don’t care for Tebow, I still think he will be out of the league in a few years, but that was pretty impressive. Also, I want to thank the Broncos, Tim Tebow, and ostensibly God(?) for ending the Jets’ season.

But the thing that got me was the Jets defense on the touchdown run that effectively ended the game.

Please, Tebowmaniacs, leave me alone, I’m not saying Jesus’ younger brother wouldn’t have found another way into the endzone. He would have, ok? He’s never going to lose another game. But seriously, let me split hairs for a minute over how it happened.

Rex Ryan said in his postgame presser, “We knew he was going to run, he likes to run in that situation.” Really now? Then why did you flush him? It seems to me, if he’s going to run, you should back up and keep it in front of you. You’re up by a fieldgoal. Even if he moves the chains, you don’t lose by giving him 3-8 yards up the middle.

I think the formula (not the execution) for beating the Broncos is simple. Dare Tebow to throw. What Rex Ryan did, on the last play the Bronco offense ran, was dare Tebow to roll out. Did that play call make sense to anyone?

Is This Bro Entirely Serious Right Now?

So this guy is on Jeopardy right now, and I really don’t know what to think of him. My first thought was, remember those lame parties in college, stop light or whatever they were called? Wear red if you’re taken, green if you’re trying to hook up and yellow if you’re somewhere in the middle?
I was like, is this guy heading to one of those and just hell bent on fucking with everyone there? Or maybe he’s colorblind, I don’t know, but the stop light party was the first thing I thought of…

So Glad Not to be a Bucs Fan

Josh Freeman is signed through 2013. He makes me scratch my head a little, because he runs more than I’d like, but he can definitely play the position. But no matter how confused I am by his style of play, there’s no doubt he’s in the top half of starting qb’s in the league.

Freeman has to be viewed as the franchise qb in Tampa, right? They don’t anticipate some kind of major change or a drop off in his play, do they? I can’t see it. He might not be the first guy I’d pick, but if Josh Freeman’s on my roster and I’ve had a decade of signal calling incompetence, he’s the guy I go to war with.

I rant about all that to say this; is capology a complete mystery to the Bucs? Or is the treasure chest on the pirate ship just filled with unlimited cap dollars?

As of mid July, the Bucs were looking at spending $46 million or thereabouts to get to the salary floor. Instead of taking young Josh aside and telling him that he can get extended right now and front loading the thing, they did what?

They signed a punter to a 6 year, $19.5 million deal. Yes, that’s 19.5 million/6 years. As in an average annual value of $3.5 million.

Probably a good call. Pinning teams in the corner will definitely be more important than keeping Freeman or giving him some targets…

Are You There, NFLPA? It’s me, Jim (Again)

Sometimes you take a guy to the wall and it works. Other times, he goes to football hell.

I wrote a letter to the NFLPA this spring, telling them that there was one thing they had to do during the lockout. It was pretty simple, I’d like to see football in September, but my biggest thing was, please get rid of the franchise tag.
Actually, it wasn’t quite that simple.
My take was, and is, I don’t like the position it puts me in as a fan and an observer when a guy gets franchised and wants to be a free agent, so he decides to sit out.
It’s really been the only effective recourse for players against the franchise tag, and while I understood why players did it, I was still bothered by this; they signed a contract, they voted for the CBA and they didn’t hold to it.
Well this spring they went to the mat. They held football hostage (so did the owners, but both parties equally did not compromise in March). So they had their negotiating sessions, at the cost of free agency, and mini camps, and OTA’s. They had a chance to get rid of it and they didn’t.
So when Adrian Peterson, or Patrick Willis, or whoever sits out because he doesn’t like the tag, I have a new take on it.
Screw ‘em.
You guys voted. If you don’t like your new government, tough cookies. You screwed yourselves this time around boys. You have a brilliant new leader (hashtag d smith is a bad man), all the marquis names signed on to an antitrust suit (Brees, Brady, Manning), and everything that comes with it.
You had the owners’ collective balls in a vice, and you didn’t use it to get rid of that god awful slap in the face to the free market. Next time it bites one of you in the ass, I’m pro-team all the way.

Lay’s Straight Killing it in Canada

Don’t really know what to say about this…
They have Lay’s poutine fries in a bag? So I can get this in Canada, but not in Central Falls or Woonsocket?
Globalization my ass.

Drew Bledsoe Now Making Wine, Patriots Fans Everywhere Shocked

During his 13 year NFL career, Bledsoe threw 251 TD passes, over 40,000 yards, and scrambled as much as this figurine.

The 1993 NFL draft’s top overall pick who infamously lost his quarterback job to Tom Brady is now playing a new waiting game as the owner of his own wine label and vineyard. Bledsoe hasn’t been deterred by an industry that can be glacially slow, instead viewing it as a challenge. Via Yardbarker.

I’m not a wine person. Both times that I’ve had wine, I’ve enjoyed it enough, but that’s about how much I know about it. But even I, the not-so-big-wino-who-drank-it-twice, have one thing figured out.

Wine’s supposed to sit around for a really long time, right?

Like, seriously, you open a bottle of wine and it’s supposed to sit for like an hour or something? The guy that pours it is supposed to have a very steady hand, I know that, that’s not like some made-up, TV wino thing right? He’s supposed to have a steady hand.

So able to sit still for an hour and good hands required, but stepping up in the pocket or evading the rush less than mandatory? Right?
Why wouldn’t this guy be good at wine? This is what he did for 13 seasons in the NFL. Stand still.

Happy Birthday America

My brownies are so patriotic it’s ridiculous. Keep kicking ass USA. Time to go drink cheap beer and use fireworks.

How to Fix the NBA

I’m not an NBA fan. I would classify myself as a sportsaholic, so I pay attention to what goes on in the NBA to some degree. I am a huge basketball fan, just not into the NBA. (Also, and this really doesn’t matter to this blog, I would consider myself a Celtics “well wisher,” fan would imply that there’s some small thing missing in my life when they lose, or suck, or don’t play because of a lockout. That’s not really the case.

But I love basketball. It was actually the first game I really learned, and learned to love. I still watch college basketball with wide eyes, and can’t wait for the conference championships to start each year.

I really would like to see this lockout work. I love that the NBA is locked out for selfish reasons, like hockey ratings doubling or tripling because sports junkies will always watch sports. But I also love it because it really could fix this league. I’ve prescribed five steps that I think could fix the game at the NBA level.

First is the three year delay. The NFL has benefitted from causing all draft prospects to wait until three years after their high school graduation to register for the draft. The result is long college careers, which gives you more mature people in the league in a lot of cases (I realize there are still a bunch of morons in the NFL, but there are probably just as many morons playing in the NBA, where the total number of players is less than 1/3 of the NFL).

But it also results in a more balanced style of play and players that are ready to play team basketball. Look at the guys that play 3-4 years of college versus the guys who came out of high school. Prior to a few years ago, you got a better player if he had played a few years in college, until teams started cherry picking raw talent from the freshmen class.

Zdeno Chara Should Pay Phil Pritchard a Retainer Fee and Hire Him as His Attorney

 Zdeno Chara hoisted the Stanley Cup as captain of the Boston Bruins two weeks ago. Now the big defenceman will have something else on his hands: a meeting with Montreal cops Via TSN

And so the Boston Bruins’ postseason goes from the sublime to the ridiculous. Yes, the gendarmes actually want to see Chara about the hit he laid on Max Pacioretty OVER THREE MONTHS AGO. I can’t believe this actually is going to happen, and having listened to an interview with the man in charge of the investigation, I get the sense that we should cut the MPD itself some slack. This is coming from over their heads.

That said, is there more than one way to approach this little interview if you’re Chara?

I think not. Quite simply, you have to grab your good buddy Phil Pritchard, that big shiny cup he takes care of, and hop on a plane. Seriously, can the team please arrange for Chara to get an extra day with the cup? Namely the day of his meeting with the cops? I want nothing more than for him to stop at the nearest café before he walks into the station, get a heaping pile of poutine, put it in the cup, and insist on eating it while he discusses a mundane play in a 4-0 game in March with Montreal 5-0.

Then, maybe he could pop open a bottle of fine French wine, fill the basin with it (bits of gravy still stuck to the bowl) and proceed to sip it while he asks them if they saw any of the finals.

Of course, there is no case here, so no matter how mad they get, they’ll have to let him go. When they eventually do, there is really only one acceptable way for Chara to leave the police station, and I think we all know what it is….